You see a trigger and anger, annoyance or disappointment boils up inside you. You become impulsive, you explode, perhaps you become hurtful or humiliating. And sometimes you get angry later that your emotions, your anger, have taken control of you. You “could have said it differently”.
What does it take for such explosions? What happens inside you? And what can you do about it?
The dangerous three ingredients
Neuroscience, as well as the school of therapy on which our coaching is based, recognizes three ingredients (simplified):
First ingredient: the script for your inner autopilot
The first ingredient is a script for your inner autopilot: Firstly, when such and such happens, secondly, such and such emotions arise and thirdly, you explode. The stronger the explosions, the deeper your script is anchored in your subconscious and the more impulsive your reaction.
From coaching practice: You may already know your scripts quite well. Nevertheless, we want you to understand more precisely how and how quickly your script runs. And we work to ensure that you recognize the warning signs before the script is triggered – and can then react differently if necessary or avoid triggering your script.
Second ingredient: The deeper, emotional reason for your script
The second ingredient is a deeper, emotional reason for the script to run. An “otherwise”, i.e. if such and such happens and I don’t … then such and such will happen to me. In all cases that we know of, this reason is deep-seated, sometimes repressed fear. Fear of loss, of being hurt, of humiliation, etc. The explosion often masks the underlying fear. Reasons for scripts were usually very firmly anchored in us in childhood and adolescence.
From coaching practice: Understanding the emotional reasons for your scripts is much more difficult than analyzing the script itself. Our coaching is about working with you to understand your deep-seated beliefs and existential emotions. If you want to make lasting changes to your behavior, there is no way around getting in touch with your beliefs and emotions and working through them. At least the beliefs and emotions that lie behind the explosions.
Third ingredient: the lack of a “plan B”
The third ingredient is – a lack. A lack of a “Plan B” anchored in your brain. A really practiced alternative, better script. If your triggers strike – and you recognize this – you could then decide to activate one or other “Plan B” yourself. And by doing so, you might be able to pursue your goals even better without hurting and humiliating.
We also accompany this step in coaching. We develop one or more suitable “Plan B” with you – and everything you need for this (self-confidence, calmness, simple, clear words, etc.). We help you to practise this “Plan B” – first in simple situations, then in increasingly difficult, critical, dynamic situations. “Plan B” then replaces your original script.
Conclusion:
I. The three ingredients of a strong, explosive script also include three steps in personality development: understanding the script, understanding and working through the emotional background, developing and anchoring Plan B.
A strong, explosive script is not changed in a day. And: you should take your time for the three steps described above.
II. But if you take this time and rest, you will come out of this process a changed person. In my personal experience, you will be stronger, more self-confident, more mature, calmer and happier.
Do you want to go on this journey? We would be happy to accompany you! Simply make an appointment here for a non-binding, free initial consultation.