Often, one stop on a coaching journey together is the question ‘What do I want in life?’, ‘Where do I still want to go?’, ‘Does my current leadership position make me happy and satisfied?’ or ‘What do I want in my relationship?
Relevant? We invite you to take part in a short exercise.
We are driven by basic needs. Physical needs such as hunger, thirst, etc. But also needs in the relationship sphere. If needs are met, this generates – demonstrably – positive feelings; if needs are not met, negative feelings.
We like to use three pairs of needs in coaching. Couples because the fulfillment of these needs is often in conflict and should then be consciously balanced:
- Safety vs. freedom, for example: Physical and psychological safety, avoiding vulnerability vs. autonomy, letting go, craziness and risk, allowing vulnerability
- Uniqueness vs. belonging, for example: Allowing yourself to show your strengths, setting yourself apart, dominance vs. being part of it, belonging, not leaving, adapting
- Closeness vs. distance, for example: being in contact, feeling people, allowing emotions vs. seeking time and space for yourself, being alone
Take a seat in the room and imagine that the two needs of a couple are each at one end of the room. Stand between the needs – where you feel most comfortable physically. Move between the poles and feel your body: for example, are you more of a security type or do you love your freedom?
(We really recommend doing this exercise physically, in the room. Not ‘just’ cognitively, in your head. You simply get closer to yourself)
Do this exercise for all three needs. Your places in the room together are your need type.
What is going through your head? Do you find yourself again? Also in specific, individual situations and in your life? Reflect on the following questions, for example:
- To what extent does your current situation fulfill these needs? Where do you feel tensions between more pronounced needs and specific situations in life? And as a result – where do you feel discomfort? Anxiety?
- Where are you perhaps torn between needs? For example, where do you feel a great longing for closeness but need your space? Does this result in private or professional tensions?
- Or where do you have pronounced needs in one of the poles and feel very uncomfortable leaving the pole for the other pole? Perhaps you need your space, distance. And are you afraid to allow closeness because then your need for distance will no longer be fulfilled?
- Are there perhaps poles where your desires change almost by leaps and bounds? Do you perhaps jump back and forth in your feelings and behavior between the need for security and the desire for freedom?
Over the next few weeks, keep coming back to your need type and observe yourself. What do you recognize? Perhaps you will begin to better categorize, explain and appreciate your positive and negative feelings. What is happening inside you? We are curious!