Do you know this? You’re in trouble with your partner, anger boils up, you’ve written a quick impulsive message to him, snapped at him – and regretted it afterwards? Or maybe you didn’t and said … “that’s just the way I am”?
There is a small, effective exercise to help you better understand what happens inside you at such moments. I got this exercise from the great booklet “Die Kunst sich selbst aushalten” by Michael Bordt, which I have already reviewed.
Do you feel strong emotions rising up? At such moments, take a second to answer the following three questions. Don’t try to change or ‘control’ yourself. Just be mindful and attentive to what is going on inside you.
1️⃣ What does my feeling refer to? The question seems trivial in our example. Of course it is the partner to whom the anger relates …, right? Are you sure? Isn’t it perhaps the boss who has been annoying you all day? Or the mother who wants to control you? And the “allowed” outlet is your partner?
2️⃣ What feeling do I actually have? A trivial question, of course. It’s anger. Or maybe fear? Sadness? Feel inside yourself. You will discover that there are more ‘allowed’ feelings and more ‘forbidden’ feelings within you. From my own experience – and that of my coachees – I know that anger and rage often mask a deep, forbidden sadness or fear.
3️⃣ Why do I have this feeling? Feelings arise when you evaluate a situation positively or negatively. When needs are met – or not. Feel inside yourself where the evaluation of the situation comes from. Look at your emotions. If the evaluation is negative, also consider the positive behind it. Perhaps the relationship is worth so much to you that you absolutely want to fight? Great!
Just give it a try. Feel inside yourself and feel free to report back on how it went for you.