Feelings are our most important driving force, whether we like it or not. Feelings bring strength and energy (“fight”), block (“freeze”) and or let us flee important situations that need to be clarified (“flight”).
Feelings are not always accessible to us. We sometimes think we are immune to them, but we collect them in our unconscious – until they explode. This is shown beautifully in the picture accompanying this article!
Here are some collected thoughts on the subject of feelings from our coaching practice. We admit that these thoughts are not always free of contradictions. This is the nature of our feelings!
The tricky onion skins of our feelings
Feelings mask each other in our perception. Sometimes we feel anger, but behind it lies something else. Marcus Köhnlein posted the wonderful picture for this article on LinkedIn. He explains beautifully that behind anger – and other strong feelings – there is often fear. Fear of being hurt, of not being, of not being accepted. Or even shame.
Anger can – but does not have to (!) – be an onion skin over fear or shame. Persistent anger often masks something “deeper”. And sometimes this deeper fear or shame is consciously not directly accessible to us. We deceive ourselves – feel anger and do not admit the fear to ourselves.
Fear can petrify us in our professional and private lives or cause aggression. Sometimes our fear is triggered by deeper beliefs, sometimes by specific people – colleagues, managers. Sometimes from situations, such as the next conversation with a difficult customer.
We are then blocked, lose our confidence and quick-wittedness, become small – or even aggressive. These are all behavioral patterns that don’t help us. If we get angry at our anger, at our fear, this doesn’t help us either – quite the opposite.
Fear and shame – as well as the anger that often lies above them – often trigger patterns in us. If these patterns take “power” over you, you may unconsciously transfer your subliminal fear or shame to others, you transfer fear or shame and take energy.
If you want to change patterns, deal better with fear and shame and find more peace and contentment, the first step is to understand what is actually happening inside you.
A few thoughts for your way there:
- Allow the anger – and other emotions – to flow through you. Observe what flows through you and accept it. It is good, it has a purpose. Just observe, don’t try to suppress it.
- Keep observing – and you will soon discover more and more of the emotions behind your anger.
- Observe even further – and soon you will be able to sense much earlier which emotions are hidden beneath the surface, beneath the anger. Observe the trigger mechanisms.
- Observe – let it happen, observe – let it happen.
And – be aware that anger is not automatically bad. It gives you strength and energy. You can use it positively as strength for yourself and your environment.
I was just angry and impulsive! That’s just the way I am!
Do you know this? You’re in trouble with your partner, anger boils up, you’ve written a quick impulsive message to him, snapped at him – and regretted it afterwards? Or maybe you didn’t and said … “that’s just the way I am”?
An exercise, as an alternative to the almost meditative mindfulness exercise described above – a little more pragmatic, to better understand what happens in you in such moments – I have taken from “The Art of Enduring Yourself” by Michael Bordt.
Do you feel strong emotions rising up? At such moments, take a second to answer the following three questions. Don’t try to change or ‘control’ yourself. Just be mindful and attentive to what is going on inside you.
1️⃣ What does my feeling refer to? The question seems trivial in our example. Of course it is the partner to whom the anger relates …, right? Are you sure? Isn’t it perhaps the boss who has been annoying you all day? Or the mother who wants to control you? And the “allowed” outlet is your partner?
2️⃣ What feeling do I actually have? A trivial question, of course. It’s anger. Or maybe fear? Sadness? Feel inside yourself. You will discover that there are more ‘allowed’ feelings and more ‘forbidden’ feelings within you. From my own experience – and that of my coachees – I know that anger and rage often mask a deep, forbidden sadness or fear.
3️⃣ Why do I have this feeling? Feelings arise when you evaluate a situation positively or negatively. When needs are met – or not. Feel inside yourself where the evaluation of the situation comes from. Look at your emotions. If the evaluation is negative, also consider the positive behind it. Perhaps the relationship is worth so much to you that you absolutely want to fight? Great!
Just give it a try. Feel inside yourself and feel free to report back on how it went for you.
Why am I so impulsive? Why do I explode?
Now one step deeper – let’s understand the mechanisms behind the “patterns” described above.
You see a trigger and anger, annoyance or disappointment boils up inside you. You become impulsive, you explode, perhaps you become hurtful or humiliating. And sometimes you get angry later that your emotions, your anger, have taken control of you. You “could have said it differently”.
What does it take for such explosions? What happens inside you? And what can you do about it? Neuroscience, as well as the school of therapy on which our coaching is based, recognizes three ingredients (simplified):
First ingredient: The pattern (“script”) for your inner autopilot
The first ingredient is a script for your inner autopilot: Firstly, when such and such happens, secondly, such and such emotions arise and thirdly, you explode. The stronger the explosions, the deeper your script is anchored in your subconscious and the more impulsive your reaction.
From coaching practice: You may already know your scripts quite well. Nevertheless, we want you to understand more precisely how and how quickly your script runs. And we work to ensure that you recognize the warning signs before the script is triggered – and can then react differently if necessary or avoid triggering your script.
Second ingredient: The deeper, emotional reason for your script
The second ingredient is a deeper, emotional reason for the script to run. An “otherwise”, i.e. if such and such happens and I don’t … then such and such will happen to me. In all cases that we know of, this reason is deep-seated, sometimes repressed fear. Fear of loss, of being hurt, of humiliation, etc. The explosion often masks the underlying fear. Reasons for scripts were usually very firmly anchored in us in childhood and adolescence.
From coaching practice: Understanding the emotional reasons for your scripts is much more difficult than analyzing the script itself. Our coaching is about working with you to understand your deep-seated beliefs and existential emotions. If you want to make lasting changes to your behavior, there is no way around getting in touch with your beliefs and emotions and working through them. At least the beliefs and emotions that lie behind the explosions.
Third ingredient: the lack of a “plan B”
The third ingredient is – a lack. A lack of a “Plan B” anchored in your brain. A really practiced alternative, better script. If your triggers strike – and you recognize this – you could then decide to activate one or other “Plan B” yourself. And by doing so, you might be able to pursue your goals even better without hurting and humiliating.
We also accompany this step in coaching. We develop one or more suitable “Plan B” with you – and everything you need for this (self-confidence, calmness, simple, clear words, etc.). We help you to practise this “Plan B” – first in simple situations, then in increasingly difficult, critical, dynamic situations. “Plan B” then replaces your original script.
Conclusion:
I. The three ingredients of a strong, explosive script also include three steps in personality development: understanding the script, understanding and working through the emotional background, developing and anchoring Plan B.
A strong, explosive script is not changed in a day. And: you should take your time for the three steps described above.
II. But if you take this time and rest, you will come out of this process a changed person. In my personal experience, you will be stronger, more self-confident, more mature, calmer and happier.
But now I MUST always control myself!!! Is that what I want?
Does it work? Always HAVING to control yourself. Do I always HAVE to? Do I WANT to? Our answer as coaches is clear: no. Mastery is control, is power. Strong, deep emotions come from deep layers, from parts of your personality that want and are allowed to contribute to your ego just as much as your rational parts.
The booklet “Die Kunst sich selbst aushalten” by Michael Bordt, which has already been reviewed and is highly recommended, describes the difference between self-control and self-awareness.
Emotions? Get rid of them! Impulsive reactions? Not mature! Fear, sadness, loneliness – better not let them happen. Self-control represses, walls in, prohibits unwanted parts of your personality. And at some point, these parts will break free again.
Self-awareness, on the other hand, advocates that you allow, observe and perceive. And in real depth. I already presented a little exercise on this in my last post: “the three questions” – feel free to read it!
By the way, self-awareness does not mean that you immediately allow every impulsive reaction. Instead, you develop an appreciation for the different parts of your personality. Listen attentively. And then make a confident decision about how you want to react with inner freedom.
This difference between self-awareness and self-control is essential for our coaching. We help you to perceive yourself better. We help you to see and allow the more emotional parts of yourself and thus become ‘whole’. We know that self-control always fails sooner or later – and is not the path to your true inner freedom.
And what next?
Are feelings driving or blocking you? Fears? Anger? Despair? Do you want to calm down? Seek and find strength and security? Understand your feelings and patterns? Change them?
We would be happy to accompany you! Simply make an appointment here for a non-binding, free initial consultation.