Do you feel like a victim, perpetrator or rescuer in certain situations? We’ll show you here what happens and how you can get out of these patterns.
When do we talk about a drama triangle?
We speak of a drama triangle when you observe the following psychological “games”:
- The people in the drama triangle (the role players) take on roles , typically victim, perpetrator and rescuer.
- These roles are stable at times. In key situations , the role players suddenly switch to other roles. We usually see strong emotional dynamics at these moments.
- The end result of this process is often a shambles – trust and business relationships are destroyed, companies lose their market position until they are sold or become insolvent.
Example:
In a larger company, there is tension between the department heads of “Sales”, “Product Development” and “Finance” (we will write “Sales” instead of “the manager of the Sales department” etc.).
- Sales(perpetrator) regularly attacks product development(victim), seemingly objectively, but between the lines a strong emotional devaluation can be felt.
- Product development complains to finance, but remains withdrawn in the role of victim. Finance takes the side of product development(savior).
- At a management meeting, “culprits” are sought for the poor financial figures. There is a role reversal: product development explodes emotionally, but attacks finance rather than sales. Sales is now also criticizing finance.
- The management board is paralyzed, ideas to stabilize the company are no longer being sought. The negative payouts: The company is sold to a competitor 6 months later. Due to the high level of psychological stress, Sales and Product Development meet 9 months later in a burn-out clinic.
Similar examples can be found in private life, such as victims and rescuers in a relationship. The perpetrator is “the unjust world”. The rescuer stands back for a long time in order to spare the victim. Until he can do no more, then he explodes – becomes the perpetrator, the victim says: “I’ve always said the world is evil, you too.” The relationship falls apart.
What actually happens in the drama triangle?
What happens on a psychological level? If we delve deeper into these situations in team workshops or coaching sessions, we discover the following:
- There are hidden, uncommunicated needs of the role players:
- In the example, perhaps Sales wants to be strong and dominant, showing weakness is not okay. The desire is then to receive positive confirmation of strength. The fear of weakness leads to continuous attacks on product development as an unconscious substitute action.
- Product development wants to please, do good, be accepted as a human being – also with its results. A strong unconscious “I’m not okay” causes product development to interpret the situation and the attacks as negative confirmation of itself. Reaction: the search for a savior who provides positive affirmation. In the example: finances.
- Finance feels bad when it is not active. As an “appendage” to the “actually important operational business”, he feels inferior. He wants to be part of it. The “Save me” offer from Product Development comes at just the right time.
- These patterns are repeated in the lives of role-players:
- Sales and product development will not be perpetrators and victims for the first time in their professional careers. They are also already aware of finance’s instinct to save the day.
- But all three of them inevitably end up back in this role play at every professional station.
- The negative experiences gained in this way reinforce the uncommunicated needs of the role players – in the next management position, sales will want to be even stronger and more dominant, product development even better, finance even more active.
- The role players are on “autopilot” for large parts of the game. Communication and behavior are determined by their unconscious, unfulfilled needs. And not by the opportunities that the three role-players would have if they left the role-playing game and looked at the situation from a shared perspective.
How does the exit from the drama triangle work?
Breaking through an established drama triangle is just as difficult in private life as it is at work. Why? Two reasons:
- The recurring negative payoff of the games confirms the role-players in their view of themselves (you’re not okay, but be strong, please or be active, maybe it will get better). Leaving the game would lead to a very strong and therefore unpleasant cognitive dissonance (“This can’t be right, what am I doing here?”).
- The patterns of thought and behavior, the “autopilots”, often have their origins in childhood and adolescence and are therefore strongly “burned” into our unconscious and difficult to change.
How do you find a way out of the role play, out of the so-called drama triangle? It’s difficult to give a general answer, as we all have far too different backgrounds and influences. However, all of the following approaches are necessary:
- Understand and name the roles that you and others play in your environment. Observe yourself openly and honestly. Try not to suppress or ignore your role play. This only reinforces the “autopilot”.
- Recognize the hidden, unspoken needs you have and admit them to yourself. A coach can help.
- Think about what you can do to fulfill your needs. Seek outside resources that validate you as a person.
- Create a framework for open communication between the “still role-players”, so that weaknesses can also be shown. This can be supported by coaching in small groups or team workshops.
- Bring the hidden, unspoken needs into the role play and thereby break out of the role play.
- Be consistent and disciplined. If one of the former role players falls back into the old patterns,speak up immediately – don’t wait.
A success story of an exit from the drama triangle
In the example of the professional role play outlined above, the following situation could arise:
Sales observes that margins and turnover are not in line with targets. He feels bad and can categorize this feeling. The following dialog takes place in the next meeting:
- V: “I feel under pressure, margins and sales are falling. I can’t quite put my team and I in context yet, but I’m hearing this and that from our customers.” At the moment of speaking out, V feels a paradoxical lightness within himself, and despite fears for his success, he feels energized again.
- P. reacts: “I’m trying hard to do something good for our customers and for us, and I feel disappointed and helpless right now.” He looks at the other two and senses open interest and curiosity – and suddenly feels a much stronger sense of belonging. Positive energy arises.
- F interjects: “I’ve been observing the situation for a while. I’ve always felt like a third wheel, after all, the operating business pays our salaries. But I want to actively contribute to our success.”
- V. and P. react almost simultaneously: “Each of us contributes to our success. Both of us just like you, Finance.” Finance senses the sincerity of the statement, is deeply touched and also feels optimistic energy despite the difficult situation.
- …
What happens next? Well, the management team is intensifying its collaboration. Instead of a short weekly call and complaints on the back burner, they meet weekly for intensive, heated, controversial and respectful discussions on both a factual and emotional level.
Products are consistently geared towards customer needs, the profitability of major customers is stabilized, product quality increases and major customers are acquired. The market perceives a change.
6 months later, the company has established a leading position in the market and takes over a major competitor. 9 months later, a leadership development program has been established that takes into account the high relevance of the emotional components of group dynamics, e.g. in the areas of communication, conflict management and leadership.
The team feels the cohesion of the three managers and their positive energy and is enthusiastic. The culture of openness, focus on success and the cause is growing into the company – and not only that: the HR department is being overrun by top applicants who want to become part of this culture.
And all because the managers have recognized and abandoned the drama triangle, the role play.
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