Have you already experienced the following?
- Managers who consider themselves appreciative but ignore the opinions and emotions of their employees. Who act aggressively, dominantly and hurtfully.
- Employees who perceive criticism as a personal attack, do not tolerate dissenting opinions and punish them, up to and including exclusion or not being considered for promotion.
- Managers who sell the successes of others as their own, who invest more energy and time in cultivating external perceptions than in pursuing team goals.
- Managers who are not prepared to change because they think they are good, perfect and infallible. They stage this infallibility in their public image, thereby frustrating colleagues and driving them out of the company.
- Employees who tie up a lot of the manager’s time and attention, but at the same time do not find a human connection in the team. Who bring unrest and dissatisfaction to the team. Quote: “Either he leaves or I do.”
All of these can be signs of what is called narcissism. Narcissists are particularly popular in leadership positions. They seem to bring focus and energy. They seem to be the guarantor of the company’s success. However, they also pursue their own goals and can poison the corporate culture.
Below are a few words on the concept of narcissism itself, then on the apparent benefits of narcissism for companies and why narcissists are so successful. Finally, I will discuss the risks of narcissism in the company and give you four suggestions on how you can manage the dangers of narcissists – or come to a decision to separate yourself from the narcissist.
What is a narcissist? – the usual definition.
I have observed a rather inflationary use of the word “narcissist” – in conversations, in the press, among colleagues. Often correctly and it is narcissism. In many cases, the performance orientation of our society promotes narcissism.
However, it should be noted that the word “narcissism” itself is often used manipulatively. It is even preferred by narcissists, who use it in situations in which the other person simply draws clear boundaries and asserts their interests. In order to know how to deal with narcissism, you need to understand what narcissism actually is.
Psychological “manuals” often describe narcissism in terms of behavioral characteristics. Narcissists seek attention and self-affirmation; the focus is on external perception, the façade and their own grandiosity. Narcissists are also described as lacking empathy, as people who avoid close, open, deep contact with others. This results in an increased willingness to pursue success, achievement and their own grandiosity. To this end, narcissists also use manipulation, humiliation, degradation and injury to other people.
What is a narcissist? A more useful definition!
I don’t think the above definition is sufficient. We need to understand what drives narcissists on the inside in order to find better ways of dealing with them. We need to look behind the mask.
A fantastic “handout” for doing this is the highly recommended booklet by my colleague Klaus Eidenschink: There are no narcissists! Only people in narcissistic distress .
Eidenschink makes it clear that narcissists do not compensate for a lack of self-worth through their behavior. Instead, narcissists have never found themselves. We can therefore not speak of self-worth at all. There is no self. Eidenschink describes the psyche of narcissists as a Potemkin village: fantastically grandiose painting on the outside, empty, dark and desperate on the inside.
The inner emptiness results in inner suffering. Narcissistic behavior is the narcissist’s attempt to compensate for this emptiness. Eidenschink himself consistently speaks of people “in narcissistic distress” and rejects the term “narcissist”. I share his arguments – but for the sake of readability, I continue to use the word narcissism.
The narcissist represses the emptiness and identifies almost exclusively with his façade. His appearance is important to him and how he is perceived. This explains the behavior, such as the narcissist’s high potential for aggression: any attack on the façade is in a sense an attack on the narcissist’s existence, on his life!
How can I recognize a narcissist?
It is important to recognize whether a person is “real” narcissism or, for example, just an “old-school” leadership style that comes across as dominant, hurtful and unsympathetic. Old-school” managers should be dealt with differently in companies than narcissists.
Eidenschink suggests not focusing on the behavior of the employee or manager, but on the effect they have on us. We humans are resonance beings and can use this to recognize a narcissist. Eidenschink suggests a total of 12 indicators, here are the most important ones in my opinion:
- Do I feel tension and stress in contact, conversation or collaboration with the other person? Perhaps because the other person dominates conversations and controls topics and content? Am I afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing? Does the situation make me feel small? Or does the attempt to be dominated make me angry?
- What effect does the perfect, beautiful, grandiose façade of the other person have on me? Do I feel inconspicuous, helpless or worthless? And do I feel an urge to please the grandiose other person? To finally be accepted into his or her circle? To belong? Or, on the contrary, does grandiosity generate anger and aggression in me?
- Am I emotionally carried away(!) by the other person’s compulsion to deliver and perform? Do I feel the same urge when I am around them? Or do I feel an inner aversion to the facade, to submitting to the pressure to perform?
- Do I feel a compulsion when working with the other person to portray reality more beautifully than it is? Do I only communicate selected topics and observations and spare the other person criticism or unpleasant things? Am I afraid of the truth in contact with the other person?
- Do I perceive it as artificial, not honest, an act when the other person seeks contact with me or others? And do these attempts at contact generate negative emotions in me?
- Or do I feel bored when the other person talks at length and at length about themselves, their ideals, their façade, but doesn’t make real contact with me?
- The façade of some narcissists is a suffering from the always bad, evil world. In such cases, do I feel tempted to to listen to my constant complaints? And do I feel at the mercy and helpless ? Or do I want to avoid the lamentation and avoid contact?
These are all indicators of narcissism in the other person. Do you sense some of the indicators clearly, distinctly and repeatedly in a manager or colleague? Then there is a high probability that you are dealing with a narcissist – and then the following thoughts are relevant.
What role do narcissists play in companies?
It is hardly surprising that an above-average number of managers, especially those in high positions, suffer from narcissistic needs. At first glance, narcissists are attractive to companies – and they quickly make a career in many companies:
- At first glance, narcissists are ideal figureheads; they are skilled at perfecting their own façade. They are able to captivate and convince large audiences in a convincing way. They put their grandiosity at the disposal of the company.
- The high level of energy that narcissists invest in maintaining their façade helps: Narcissists have few problems coping with the high workload in management positions.
- Narcissists often bring their own “followers” with them – loyal employees, next-level managers who are very loyal to the narcissist. In many cases, narcissists themselves.
- Narcissists tend to idealize the world, as this makes it easier to create a perfect façade. At first glance, this helps to communicate in a visionary way and thus inspire. However, they often lack a down-to-earth approach.
- Narcissists fight for the best façade, regardless of the collateral damage. They lead companies to short-term success in competition – even if it is at the expense of other people, ethical principles or society.
Companies benefit from the high energy and determination, from the grandiosity of narcissists, from the unconditional will to maintain this façade. Companies also benefit from the fact that narcissists have few scruples about achieving success at the expense of others.
What is dangerous about narcissists in management positions?
From a company perspective, the following dangers of narcissists in management positions should be noted:
- First of all – the much-mentioned façade is consistently, always, without exception, the façade of the narcissist. At their core, narcissists are never interested in the goals of the company. The company is just an instrument for perfecting the narcissist’s façade. If this is no longer possible, narcissists react harshly and consistently – usually to the detriment of the company.
- Secondly, as explained, narcissists tend to idealize – precisely because it is much easier to maintain a façade based on ideals. However, this no longer works in an environment characterized by volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. Depending on the environment, companies must constantly adapt their orientation, communication, processes, etc. Narcissists with their focus on ideals quickly lose an objective view of the changing reality or ignore and suppress it. Failure is then inevitable.
- Narcissists are hardly able to take criticism and deny or reinterpret failures to suit their façade. Continuous learning from mistakes and corresponding further development of the company are not possible. Here too, failure is inevitable in the long term.
- Furthermore, although narcissists bring their followers with them , they often lose more other employees who are not prepared to put up with the narcissist’s communication and behavior. Good employees leave the company.
- A modern, participative leadership culture is at odds with the narcissist’s attitude. Building modern, high-performance teams (e.g. as described by Lencioni ) issimply not possible with a narcissist in a leadership role.
- The unscrupulousness of narcissists is also dangerous. It is obvious that narcissism was the cause of Wirecard’s growth and failure. In the same way, well-known major environmental disasters can be traced back to narcissism.
What is the bottom line? In our experience, narcissists in management positions seem to bring short-term benefits. However, in volatile environments and in the medium term, there is a high level of risk involved. Companies must consciously recognize and manage the risk with and around narcissists – or avoid it.
How can companies manage the risks of narcissism?
If you observe the development of leadership culture over the last few decades, you will find many positive things. The classic, dominant leadership style is on the decline, while modern leadership in many dimensions – success, employee loyalty, satisfaction, team strengthening – is being strengthened. However, narcissism in management positions seems to be on the increase.
It is therefore necessary to recognize the risk of narcissism in companies and take appropriate measures. Here are the promised recommendations for dealing with narcissism in your company:
- How do I ensure that narcissists and those around them are really pursuing the company’s goals instead of the goal of stabilizing the narcissist’s façade?
Answer: From the company’s point of view, you must not trust the narcissist according to the motto “He’ll do his thing, the figures fit”. Instead, you should integrate and manage the narcissist and his department, for example through planning and close control as well as clear, consistent, cross-company communication. - How do I still anchor respect and appreciation in the corporate culture? What tools and processes do I need to strengthen in order to make situations of lack of appreciation (humiliation, humiliation, aggression, exclusion) transparent and react to them?
AnswerYou should communicate these values clearly, strongly and unambiguously and take measures (whistleblower hotline, sanctions) to ensure that they are also practiced in the narcissist’s environment. - How do I avoid narcissists repressing, ignoring and/or “rewriting” reality in their own way? How do I prevent facades and ideologies from stabilizing?
AnswerYou should promote a culture of openness and transparency. Key decisions should be made collaboratively and based on facts, figures and data. Speaking unpleasant truths should be supported and rewarded. - How do I create radical, permanent transparency about what is actually happening? How do I avoid manipulation, internal fraud, morally dubious activities that seem to help the company in the short term (see Wirecard) but lead to disaster in the long term?
AnswerYou should take countermeasures with your internal processes: it’s about control, internal or external audits and clear, transparent, collaborative decision-making processes as well as approaches to sparring within the company.
Depending on the situation, it may also be helpful to provide the narcissist with executive coaching or similar measures, just like other managers.
Narcissists are often considered “untreatable”. We do not share this view. Sometimes – unfortunately not always – it is possible to coach narcissists effectively and successfully. A narcissist cannot change on their own; self-reflection has no chance. A narcissist needs strong support. It is important to ensure that a potential coach also has the experience to deal with narcissism.
If all these measures do not work in your individual situation, you should decide whether the risk is not too high for you in the medium/long term and whether you do not want to separate from the narcissist.